It Never Ends
by tangledinsilence
Summary: "I'm sorry" Grantaire whispered. Enjolras shook his head, his tears rolling off of his cheeks. "No don't be sorry" He was going to die, he knew he was, he was certain. There couldn't be much blood left at all, not now. He reached a hand to the blonde's face, smearing his face with some of the collected at his soft fingertips. Modern AU. Depression, alcoholism, self harm.


Everyone knew the way the Grantaire drank, how easily he intoxicated himself. They also noticed the looks he would give Enjolras, or the golden Apollo as Grantaire had once nicknamed him. They all knew that Enjolras wasn't a romantic, that Grantaire thought that there was no chance, but they caught the smile that he had reserved for Grantaire. Enjolras was so passionate, so strong willed, so brilliant. The man with the black hair somehow thought nothing could ever happen between the protester and himself but the rest of their group just sat back and patiently waited, hoping it would happen sooner rather than later. So when Grantaire pulled a slightly embarrassed Enjolras into the musain by their interlocked fingers they all let out cries of 'finally' and 'well done' and Grantaire just beamed. Enjolras loved him, he knew that, even though there were times he didn't know if he could. He loved the way he kissed him or the way he played oasis at three in the morning because he could. He loved his hair and the feel of their intertwined fingers. He could read Grantaire like a book, so he noticed when Grantaire started pulling away from him. He noticed straight away that Grantaire started wearing long sleeve shirts all the time and that his drinking problems got worse. Grantaire knew that Enjolras could see his depreciating state and he knew that his golden haired boyfriend knew it all originated from the letter that had arrived at his apartment two weeks ago. He knew that his parents didn't approve of him being an art student, didn't him approve of him being gay, didn't approve of him. So it was then they sent him a letter saying that they weren't paying for anything of his anymore, and that he was basically disowned, he was not the least bit surprised. He had stumbled into his gorgeous boyfriends apartment, drunk as always, proposing they should move in together. Enjolras was going to ask him anyway, so he didn't mind, what he did mind was his change in behaviour. He was losing weight from not eating, he didn't want to be near anyone. Their group at the musain noticed when he stopped smiling and laughing, spitting out any sarcastic he could think of. They were worried, even more so as they had been before. Enjolras knew what he did when he was a teenager. How he would hurt himself to feel something rather than nothing. And Enjolras knew that he was doing it again. He remembers while they sat watching some french black and white movie, he turned to him, pausing the movie. "What's going on?" He asked. Grantaire stared at him blankly with red rimmed eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"You hardly eat, you don't laugh or smile and you don't talk to me Grantaire" Enjolras said, that wave of emotion running through his voice he only had for Grantaire.

"I'm fine" he said. He looked at Enjolras's face and broke completely. That night he had cried, he had tried hard not to, to be strong like Enjolras but he wasn't. He wasn't good enough for Enjolras at all. Of course the blonde held him the whole time, lacing his hands through his curly hair and whispering assurances into his ear. He promised Enjolras that he wouldn't drink as much, he would stop cutting himself. Of course it had been fine at first. He had managed but when he went to see Joly he was reminded of the failure he was when he saw his sister getting picked up by her parents in the carpark of Joly's university, happy smiles on their faces. He was reminded of how they weren't his family anymore, that he was too much of a disappointment. It got worse, he didn't drink as much but he cut worse, deeper than usual. He had managed to hide it for a while, wearing jumpers and jackets a lot. It was one night when he entered the musain and Courfeyrac tackled him in a playful way, and he fell over. He tried to laugh and grabbed the table to pull himself back up. It was when he stood up he saw the expressions of his friends. Cosette had wide eyes, Marius just stared at him. Joly and Laigle just stayed silent. Éponine and Combeferre had exceptionally shocked expressions on and Enjolras looked like he wanted to cry. Jehan let out a strangled cry and moved to Courfeyracs side, hugging him. Grantaire shook his head, confused for a moment. Then he realised that his jumper didn't annoyingly scratch against the cuts on his forearm. He pulled his sleeve down, but they had seen. Cuts that were so deep, that stretched up his arm, there was hardly any unscarred skin left. Silence enveloped the café. Enjolras let a tear run down his cheek. Grantaire fled from the café that night, running through the streets letting the tears blur his vision, ignoring the strangled cry of 'Grantaire' by Enjolras. He ran to their flat and to the bathroom. It seemed so easy to hide everything. He locked the door. Razors were so easy to use, to find. It didn't even faze him as he dragged it across his wrists, it didn't amaze him how he felt nothing. He fell to the floor, sobbing loudly. He heard him banging in the door for them to let him in, he heard the horrible cry of Enjolras telling him not to do anything, begging him. It was too late. It was his boyfriend who kicked the door down and walked on the sight of Grantaire on the floor, a puddle of red collecting around both of his wrists. It was Enjolras who fell to his knees and put his head in his lap and cradled his head. "I'm sorry" Grantaire whispered. Enjolras shook his head, his tears rolling off of his cheeks.

"No don't be sorry" He was going to die, he knew he was, he was certain. There couldn't be much blood left at all, not now. He reached a hand to the blonde's face, smearing his face with some of the collected at his soft fingertips.

"I love you" he said.

"I love you too" he let out a horrible sob as Grantaire closed his eyes. "No dammit Grantaire open your eyes, you're not allowed to die, you can't leave me!" Combeferre looked away from the scene, an ambulance had been called, they could only wait. "Dammit Grantaire wake up!" He screamed. But he wouldn't wake up. "No Grantaire I love you! We're not supposed to be apart, you're not supposed to leave me!" The rest had entered the apartment by that time, listening to the hopeless sound of Enjolras. Cosette started sobbing into Marius's shoulder, Éponine was still and unmoving, her face hard as stone. Jehan was out in the hall because he couldn't stomach being in there, listening to his cries. Courfeyrac stood in the hall with is boyfriend, rubbing his back while he cried into his chest. The paramedics rushed in and everything passed as in a dream. Enjolras was pulled off of Grantaire and could only watched helplessly as they searched for a pulse. "There isn't one" he heard a paramedic say. Enjolras fully broke down then, his head falling into his hands, letting out horrible, choked sobs that wracked his whole body. They had managed to revive him though with a faint heartbeat stirring in his chest. They hauled him away and Enjolras fought to go in the ambulance with them, he needed to.

* * *

It was heartbreaking seeing Grantaire in a hospital bed, tangled up in a mess of wires, barely breathing. He stayed anyway, he never left. He read the letter one night when Éponine made him go home for a shower, when Granatire still hadn't woken up. His parents had written to tell him that they didn't want him in the family, that he was just a waste of space and that he wasn't needed. He was just another waste of their hard earned money. That made Enjolras cry for some reason, maybe because he so heavily disagreed. Grantaire was the most important thing in his life and when they said that Granatire was dead he had almost died with him. They said he might never wake up and that maybe Enjolras should decide on whether or not to cut off his life support. He had detested heavily, telling them that he would wake up. If it took Grantaire forever to wake up, Enjolras would sit the whole time, holding his hand. He almost lost it completely when his parents tried to come by to see him. He had jumped from his seat, looking at them in disgust. Enjolras was taller than them both and stared down at them. "Get out" he had said through gritted teeth. They looked at him in shock. It was then that they tried to say that he was their son but Enjolras threw the envelope at them, shouting curses and making them leave. They didn't even look like they regretted what they had said, basically caused. Enjolras was holding his hand when his eyes fluttered open, blinking at the light and looking around the room. Enjolras let out a cry of happiness and the overall joy that Grantaire saw on his face made him glad he had survived. He looked so overly joyful that Grantaire felt suddenly overwhelmed. The smile crinkled his eyes and made his chest nearly explode. "I love you" he said, squeezing his hand tighter. Grantaire nods, leaning his forehead on their intertwined fingers.

"I love you" he replied, kissing his skin.

* * *

Enjolras called them all to the café that day, telling then he had great news. It had been two weeks since Granatire had woken up, and he was out today. The group expected the worse, they didn't know that Grantaire was even awake, never mind out of the hospital. They all collected there and looked at Enkolras expectantly. Enjolras said nothing. Granatire walked out if the bathroom, pulling up his zipper. "I swear those toilets get in worse condition every time I go for a piss" he said and then looked up. His friends looked at him in shock but the good kind. Jehan basically jumped over the table to hug him, the agile bastard. Courfeyrac joined in, squishing Granatire in a Jehan and Courfeyarc sandwich. Cosette almost screamed and Marius just smiled like a fool. Éponine nodded at him and Combeferre looked ecstatic. The hadn't seen him awake in over a month and they were so relieved that he had made it through.

They made it home quickly that night and went straight to bed, they stared at each other for a while. "I love you" Enjolras said after a long silence,

"I know" Grantaire said, moving his hand to the back of Enjolras' neck, pulling him over for a kiss. Enjolras pulled away, cuddling himself into the covers and pulling Grantaire closer.

"Don't ever leave me again"

"I won't"

"No Grantaire" he said brokenly, "you died in my arms" Grantaire nodded.

"I promise you I won't" he said, "I don't want to be a day without you"

"I don't want to live without you" Enjolras said, touching Grantaire's arms lightly, tracing the multitude of scars that collected there. If it was anyone else, he would have pulled away, spitting and cursing, but this was the man he was in love with. He didn't want to pull away. The motion felt almost calming. Grantaire eventually fell asleep that night, wrapped in his lovers arms. Enjolras knew that he would follow Grantaire anywhere, no matter the consequences. Grantaire realised it then, that there was no other place he would rather be, than with his blonde haired Apollo.


End file.
